Tis' the Season

This time of the year, right after Halloween (my favorite time of the year), is the most difficult for me. It is not because I do not have family, nor is it because my family is crazy. It is because my past haunts me the most. I know that I am not unique, the holidays are a hard time for lots of people. It is strange, a time that is supposed to be know for love and togetherness seems to draw out the most loneliness in me. It is a reminder that I am abnormal. There are many times where I am grateful for my attributes, no matter how dark they can be. I have worked hard to embrace myself but that does not mean that I do it all the time. It is a work in progress. That is what life is- continual progress, with lots of setbacks. 

As much as I want to join my family and be present during the Thanksgiving meal, it takes a lot of effort for me. I do not like this, but I have accepted it. I get my joy through my daughter and her innocent bliss. It may be selfish, but I want to be able to just enjoy the holiday with her. As I write this, I hope that I do not present myself as being ungrateful, because the opposite could not be more true. I have life today and I have people that I love and who love me, but I can't lie about the way I feel. My feelings have nothing to do with my family, they are personal. Furthermore, feelings are not truth but they can be intense and hard to ignore.   

Get outside yourself

A new beginning always sounds so refreshing. Change is not something I am afraid of, rather something that I have grown too accustom to. Constantly wanting to reach for more, yet learning to be more patient and accepting in the process.

Wanting to make a difference, yet feeling so useless at the same time, is the cause of my moving feet. It can all become so overwhelming, seem so definite, that the only way to escape this feeling of drowning is to start over.

Then someone new comes into your life, someone who changes your world. Your vision is fixed on making them happy, yet you realize you need to be okay with yourself. Can that happen? Learning to be less selfish is the special ingredient. You can't see anything if your eyes are turned inward, scrolling to fix the impossible.  

Questions

What is life? Is there a certain path that we are all supposed to find? Why do some people seem to be more successful than others? But really, what is the definition to success? Is it truly what society paints and pushes down everyone's throat? Why is everything a race that no one can ever finish? No one knows what others are experiencing, yet why must we compare? Is this some evolutionary factor at play? Are we defending ourselves by try to guess what others are really thinking? Why do we know what we are doing is harmful, yet we continue to do it anyways? I know that others must think what I am thinking, because of the prevalence of Self-help books, but do most people want to fight against this nonsense? And if they do, why is more difficult than it should be? 

The horror story inside my head

I had a very interesting dream last night . I was with a group of people in a old house. The house turned out to be haunted and we were trying to undo our ultimate deaths. Basically, we were trying to communicate with the killers. When that was not working the plan was to out smart them.

Like any horror film, there were many that bailed out and I am not sure if they made it out alive, but I was proud that I was not one of them. The dream seemed very real and there was fear and anticipation. But I would not call it a nightmare. This may mean that I am a bit off, but I think I liked the mystery aspect of the dream, as well as the solving of a problem. I woke up before the end of the "movie" and I do not recall if the undoing was successful. The optimist in me likes to think so, though. 

Good and Evil vs Biology

Lately, I have been thinking about the different struggles that people deal with. I know that my view is controversial but to me it makes the most sense. For a quite a while I have been interested in criminals, the supposed "scum of our society". To me, no matter the crime, these people are just sick. We all suffer from some sort of sickness; whether it is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.

I have been watching different documentaries on mental health and the individuals that suffer from these illnesses. They are classified as psychopaths, ADHD, Addicts, etc. But as technology continues to advance, and brain images are clearer, we can see that each problem is reflected as different from the norm in the images. These problems are biological and genetic- it is NOT a moral issue (at least not in the beginning).

Maybe I am holding onto this idea because I want to believe that everyone is inherently good. To me, it makes no sense that two people, who have grown up in the same environments, can have two completely different life outcomes and one is considered good, while the other is considered bad. However, it makes more sense if their brains are completely different and they experience life differently. 

Quirks

I have not done the best job keeping up with my blog, and I must admit that I am a bit ashamed of that. I usually am one to stay organized and get most of my assignments done on time, unless there is a family emergency or something. But, going off my previous post, life has been pretty stressful lately, not just with school, but with EVERYTHING! I guess when it rains, it pours right?!

I have been doing this completely useless action of picturing how my life "should" be and then condemning myself for not being "there". Honestly, I know better but feelings can be powerful, even if they are not always valid. In the past, when anything different was happening in my life, whether it is good or bad, I would unconsciously, or sometime consciously, go down a path of self-destruction. As much as I like to say that I have come a long way, I still struggle with fighting off this tick.

The mind really is a powerful thing. Years of doing one behavior can take just as much time, if not more, to undo that behavior. Annoying right? If only we could just make the decision to be different, and BAM we start living a new way. I guess life would not be worth living then. What would be the point? Just when you think you can not take it anymore, think- there's a reason. I mean there has to be a reason.   

Life= Excitingly Stressful

First off, I can NOT believe that this semester is almost over! I will finally have my degree, which is something that I have been waiting for over 10 years. I feel extremely blessed, but I am also soaked in fear. This chapter in my life is coming to a close and I do have further goals that I would like to achieve, but I am not sure if they are reasonable for my current situation.

Most humans respond to fear in fight or flight. Well in my case, I do neither. I avoid! Sometimes, I will just shut down. Not completely though, in that I am able to get normal day-to-day things accomplished, but the thing(s) that are scaring the crap out of me- I shut it out. I know that this is not the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it is a habit that I am finding hard to reverse.  

Educating our Youth

Frankly, school assignments that require you to visit other places or meet with other people have just annoyed me in the past. I am always too busy and felt like the “extra” work throws a wrench into my usual schedule. However, I am excited about the ethnography assignment that we have been working on. My first visit to the community that I selected is this coming Tuesday, October 10^th. The reason for my excitement is that this community, elementary schools (specifically Title I schools), has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been hearing a lot of personal feedback from teachers that work at these schools and I am disheartened to hear about their struggles. It seems like there is a lot of resources that are unavailable to both the staff and the students. The classroom sizes are too large and test scores are more important than really working with the students.

I am sensitive to this subject because education is so important. If we really want a better future for our country, for this world, we need to start with proper education of our youth. If people are not educated on the issues, or made aware of what is really happening, they will be ignorant of the changes that need to be made. I can personally attest to this. I know far too many people who are wonderful people but they are unaware. They don’t know what minorities must struggle with on daily basis because of their ethnicity. They listen to the bickering through the media and have not done empirical research to uncover real facts. Yes, media can deliver the truth but it is swayed by the person who is delivering the message.

Our children can be the change that we are looking for! We need to supply them with the tools that they need to become aware and strong. I hope that education can become a priority in the United States. To me what is more beneficial that knowledge?  

Saturn Return

This week has been a week of reflection for me. To be honest, over the past couple of years there has been a lot of irritation and discontent built up inside of me. There has been a lot changes occurring in society and within myself. I can help but to think of the Saturn return.  Every 29.5 years the planet Saturn is in the same place as it was when you were born. In the first Saturn return, between the age of 27-30, you will experience a lot of obstacles which will help you grow. I just turned 30 this past month and I feel like I have been through a lot of obstacles the past few years and I have grown from them. However, I also feel reawakened and what I once knew does not sit well with me. I wish that I could say that I have new answers, but I feel less certain than I did before. I am not sure if this is because I am realizing that we really can never be too sure of anything or if I am just lost. I would like to think that it is another sign of growth- excepting that I do not have the answers and I am willing to be open minded.

The adversities that we are facing as a nation frustrate me because I feel like we know what needs to be done, but we are all so consumed with fear. Action is being stalled because of fear and greed. I contemplate about which political and economic strategy would be best for this country, but I realize that there will never be an ideal situation. Humans are imperfect, we always will be so. I think that the best answer is acceptance and kindness. Getting angry and frustrated only fosters more chaos. We should not point fingers and blame one another. We need to love one another, no matter how different we are. Because, really, we are much more alike than we are different. 

Las Vegas

It would be no surprise to read that this week has been a rough week so far. Another mass shooting taking innocent lives and leaving hundreds wounded. So many things have been running through my mind the past few days. My thoughts are rapid, yet long winded. I find a thought branching off unto a completely different scenario. I hate to be pessimistic, but dreadful things happen every day- all around the world. I absolutely mean no disrespect to those that have been harmed in this horrendous act and my heart is full of love and blessings for all those that have been affected. The truth is though, the world has seen hatred through violence as far back as the history of man goes.

I mention this fact because I have been hearing a lot of comments about how horrible things are currently in the United States. I agree that we as a nation are much more divided but I do feel like this is because action is occurring, some much needed action. Looking back through history there has been far too many senseless acts that resulted in the death of innocent lives. I would love to see peace on Earth and even though it may not be possible, I think that we should keep trying. It is easy to want to give up and to believe the worst but good things do happen. For every horrible act there is another wonderful act of kindness that is displayed. 

Giraffes

I just asked my daughter what I should write about and she told me to write about a giraffe! Well I hate to admit it, but I know very little about giraffes. I do know that they are breath taking to look at. Whenever we visit the Zoo, giraffes are one of the must see animals on every trip. I can not help but to think about how uncomfortable it would be to have such a long neck, but also how convenient. One of the most graceful and peaceful animals in the animal kingdom, even for their enormous size. When we are listing animals and making their corresponding sounds, I have to come up with something for my daughter whenever she says a giraffe. Honestly, I have never heard them make a single sound. Usually I just stick ,my tongue out because they are good at licking things.  

I asked my daughter what she likes about giraffes and she mentioned their strong legs and strong arms. She really amazes me! I would have never noticed that about a giraffe because I am too fixated on their necks. I love hearing about this world through the eyes of a child- especially a toddler!  

Halloween

In continuation from my last post, the reason why I was so excited for the first day of fall is because Autumn is my favorite season! I love everything about this short season, except for the fact that it seems to come and go like a blink of an eye. The cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the smell in the air, and of course Halloween!

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. When I was younger I was thrilled about dressing up and going on an all night adventure collecting candy. The whole month of October was about finding the perfect custom- it had to be original! After having school festivities on the 31st, my sister and I would plan out the evening's trip throughout the neighborhood. Our goal was to hit as many houses as possible with the time we were allotted. We did not mess around with cute little Halloween candy holders, we pulled out the big guns- pillow cases. Every voyage was a success and we had enough candy to last us till the next Halloween.

I think back on these evenings filled with happiness and I can feel the excitement I use to have as a child. Presently, Halloween is still my absolute favorite holiday but for slightly different reasons. Now I have my beautiful daughter that I get to take around the neighborhood. I love seeing the joy on her face as she fills up her bucket with goodies. She is still short of 3 years-old, so I am still more excited for her custom than she is but she is getting there! In fact, I call her my Halloween baby because she was born on November 3rd. I know that it is past Halloween but it is still close enough.

 

Autumn is HERE!

Today is the first day of autumn and unlike past years I feel something different in the air. It has nothing to do with the weather, which is still decently warm to be considered in the fall category. No, I think that I have had more time to actually enjoy and reflect about the fall this year. I am not proud to admit that I have been too preoccupied in the past and not in a good way. I have spent more time worrying about things that don't matter than I have any right to. In fact, I can't even recall what I was so preoccupied with these past autumns- not even last fall. It all seems to run into the same problem- too busy, too stressed, not enough of this or that.

I try to make a point to not get wrapped up in the worldly crap, but I always do. Somehow or someway I am doing what we all do. Sometimes it is just easier to worry about the insignificant things, the superficial things. That way we can ignore the real problems- the homeless people we pass on the street or the fact that climate change is a REAL thing. The point is that this world, this life does not make sense sometimes, but we shouldn't be wasting moments over insignificant problems. We all know this- we all hear this- yet we still keep on worrying!   

Concerts

Let me tell you why live music is my favorite activity to indulge in. There is nothing like being in a crowd where there is all this positive energy flowing around. Everyone is there for the same reason and there is excitement in the air. As the lights come up, you hear the cheers rise as you join in with the rest of the crowd. The music starts to play and suddenly you have a real live image of what you have listened to at least a hundred times. It is like magic and you are completely present in that moment. Nothing before, or nothing that has yet to come matters in that moment.

I have learned through out life that focusing on the present is the most beneficial to my health, yet it takes a lot of practice. It is easy to fall into the what ifs, or the fear of what may be. However, being present for me at a concert comes so easily. I fully take in the people around me. I love seeing their joy and knowing that it matches my joy. The music connects us- all of us. As much as I like seeing the artists play the music that I fully appreciate, there is nothing like being a room full of people that are emitting positive energy.  

The scar

On my right wrist, there sits a light pink slash. It could almost be mistaken for an attempt I might have made against my own life, yet it is off center a bit. Every time I look at it I have flash backs of the most difficult 6.5 years of my life.

Being a deli manager is definitely not for the weary and it consist of handling multiple tasks at a time. One of the many tasks is working with a large fryer and a very hot oven that has pans of chicken going in and out of it all day long. When you have a rush on football Sunday, those pans are flying like you have never seen before. There is no amount of safety training that one can take to properly prepare for the amount of chaos that goes on behind a deli counter.

There is very little room to maneuver around the other clerks as you quickly take two large pans out to feel the hot case as the last eight pieces is sold. Customers do have the time to for you to be as careful as possible and you can feel their impatient eyes burning into the back of your head. Because of your many years of experience you can handle those hot pans like a pro eye skater as you slide across the grease lined floor, well almost. Every once and awhile your nerves are too heightened and the stress is too high. One of pans slips off the hot pad and you feel the sting on your wrist but you have to bear it as you find an open place on the counter to careful place your goods. Unfortunately, once the pan is removed you can’t attend to your fresh burn but have to continue your work.

Whether or not you received a wound in the everyday chicken battle, you felt beat by the end of the day. The scar on my wrist was not the most painful affliction I have ever received, but it is a reminder of one of the most painful jobs that I have ever had.

A beautiful view

If I had the choice of living in a beautiful building with a ugly view verses living in an ugly building with a beautiful view, I would chose having a beautiful view while living in an ugly building. The reason for this is because I love being outside. I currently do not spend much time in my household and I really don't mind not having many things. Additionally, I think that you can make any place beautiful by adding your own personal touches.

Nature is therapeutic. Buildings are just spaces to protect us from the outside. Yes, it is important to have a place safe to stay, where you know that you can sleep in peace. But to be able to sit outside on your porch and look out at a serene view is so reassuring to me. It reminds me that there is something bigger than the mundane day to day life that we can all get caught up in. When everything seems to be going wrong, the mountains remind you that everything really is OK.  

First memories

When I try to think about my earliest memory, I seem to just see a string of events that occurred in the neighborhood that I grew up in. We lived a small town-home community for all my elementary years and I  remember being outside a lot playing with various neighborhood kids.

I some of my very first memories where with a girl named Tiffany who lived about 3-4 houses down from us and we were always getting into something. I also remember a lot of insects. I was always fascinated by them. There was one time when I came across a rollie pollie that was giving birth to what seemed like thousands of baby rollie pollies. I recruited my younger sister to assist me in building a tiny hospital out of fallen leaves and twigs. The traumatized rollie pollie, who wanted nothing but peace and isolation, fought against my instance for her to move to the new birthing room.

How I miss those days where insects could keep your attention for hours. Where you are still mystified by their movements and organization. I think I will try watching some insects again- I am sure it will bring me peace of mind.   

Favorite Book

My favorite book would have to be "The Brothers Karamazov" by Fyodor Dostoevsky. First of all, Dostoevsky is my favorite author in general and I love all of his works, but "The Brothers Karamazov" stands out to me the most. What I love about this novel is the diverse characters and how Dostoevsky writes about the abstract of life- the things that we all ponder. His take on religion and good verses evil has me reflecting about living a purposeful and meaningful life.

Dostoevsky was able to write about the human psyche and really seemed to care for all humans. He was able to see the good in all different types of people, especially those that were suffering from mental illnesses. Being a psychology major, and having my own personal interest in the human psyche, it is no real surprise that I connect with Dostoevsky and his writing! 

Reflection on "Show, Don't Tell"

It was very interesting writing my "Show, Don't Tell" short essay. I found myself really having to reflect on the memory of when I was only about 7-years-old. Even though I was young, I remember this event very distinctly. I suffered my first black-out and got a pretty bad cut (more like road burn) across my entire right cheek. While the memory is forever ingrained in my mind, it still took some extra thought process to actually show and not tell about the experience.

What I found to be most interesting though during this assignment, was that I realized that I remember more than I thought I knew. More specifically, I remembered small details. Such as the way my bike looked and, even more amazingly, the way I felt.

While this memory was traumatic at the time, it was cool to be able to look back on the experience with such clarity after really focusing on the memory. I have not thought about that memory for quite a long time with such detail. It makes me wonder how much of it is actually a true memory or made up by my interpretation of the event.   

Good Writing

After completing this weeks assignment on what is considered good writing, I started thinking about what really defines good writing? Obliviously, there are basic functions that are essential to making writing readable and there needs to be a somewhat logical flow. Then there are certain forms of writing that are expected to follow specific guidelines, such as school essays. Even so, there are so many diverse pieces of writing that have been, and still are, formulated. For me personally, it is really hard to pigeon hold what "good" writing should be.

After pondering this question, I have realized that writing really is a form of expression that will touch some or even many, but could ultimately be met with indifference or harsh criticisms by others. In other words, there really is no classification for good writing and there only is diverse writing. There are billions of different minds that have been and will be and some are more connected to one verses another. A piece of writing will be inspirational to someone because they can relate to that writer. Some forms of writing are more popular because the author writes in a more generalized way that can be relatable to many.

I am not sure if any of what I said above makes much sense, but I think that writing is really a beautiful tool that connects like minded individuals. I don't really believe that we can ultimately define what is good when it comes to writing. As long as the author speaks from the heart, that writing is good enough for them!

"Black Men in Public Spaces"

While reading "Black Men in Public Spaces" by Brent Staples, I was not surprised that he received the type of reactions that he did. Even decades later, we still struggle with race and gender issues. The reason for this is because of what we are told and shown through media. In pondering why people, specifically Caucasian people, feel particularly intimidated by African American men, I think about the violent nature of rap and hip-hop music. These musicians portray a tough, angry persona displaying violence and hatred in their lyrics. Unfortunately, the lives of many African American men involve a lot of violence and criminal behavior because society has ostracized them into horrible living conditions. This is why African American music, movies, etc can be angry and violent- because they are fed up with the way they have been living. Staples even mentions in his article that he, too, grew up with other young men that were involved in violence, many that were no longer living.

Obviously, just because there is a stereotype that African American men are angry and violent, it does NOT mean that everyone single one of them are. In fact, the majority are most likely loving and kind. Looking at Black Lives Matter, it is evident that there are major stereotypes that need to be crushed. Innocent people are losing their lives because they are being falsely accused of carrying weapons or assumed to be violent. Sharp mentions this phenomenon in his article stating "Where fear and weapons meet – and they often do in urban America – there is always the possibility of death." No one should have to worry about being killed because they are out for a walk and may "disturb" their neighbors!

Even though I am aware of the unjustified racism that unfortunately still exists in our country, my sympathy grew even more after reading Brent Staples personal account of having to adjust the way that he approaches people.

Introduction

Hello!

To begin, I am on my last semester of my senior year and I am very excited about graduating here soon! I am taking this class online because I work full-time and online classes work best for my schedule.

A little bit about myself: I am a psychology major, minoring in sociology and I am planning on attending graduate school next fall. My dream is to become a Clinical psychologist but I am also a single mother, so I may have to shoot for my masters until my daughter is older. My daughter is 2 going on 3 years-old and she is my everything! I may be bias because she is my own, but she really is the most adorable girl ever.

I love being outdoors- hiking, camping, site seeing. My daughter and I spend as much time as possible outside. I am not looking forward to the winter because it cuts into our nature time! I am also passionate about music. Unfortunately, I am not very musically inclined myself but I am always listening to it and I try to go to as many live shows as I can. I enjoy reading and prefer it to watching television, not to say that I don't get pulled into Netflix every once and awhile.

To be honest, I am a transfer student and I am taking this class as one of the last requirements to graduate, but I kind of feel like I am going backwards to freshman year :P However, I think that it will be great to revisit the fundamentals of English and it will help me in my other courses, as well as with my grad school essays.