Tis' the Season

This time of the year, right after Halloween (my favorite time of the year), is the most difficult for me. It is not because I do not have family, nor is it because my family is crazy. It is because my past haunts me the most. I know that I am not unique, the holidays are a hard time for lots of people. It is strange, a time that is supposed to be know for love and togetherness seems to draw out the most loneliness in me. It is a reminder that I am abnormal. There are many times where I am grateful for my attributes, no matter how dark they can be. I have worked hard to embrace myself but that does not mean that I do it all the time. It is a work in progress. That is what life is- continual progress, with lots of setbacks. 

As much as I want to join my family and be present during the Thanksgiving meal, it takes a lot of effort for me. I do not like this, but I have accepted it. I get my joy through my daughter and her innocent bliss. It may be selfish, but I want to be able to just enjoy the holiday with her. As I write this, I hope that I do not present myself as being ungrateful, because the opposite could not be more true. I have life today and I have people that I love and who love me, but I can't lie about the way I feel. My feelings have nothing to do with my family, they are personal. Furthermore, feelings are not truth but they can be intense and hard to ignore.   

Get outside yourself

A new beginning always sounds so refreshing. Change is not something I am afraid of, rather something that I have grown too accustom to. Constantly wanting to reach for more, yet learning to be more patient and accepting in the process.

Wanting to make a difference, yet feeling so useless at the same time, is the cause of my moving feet. It can all become so overwhelming, seem so definite, that the only way to escape this feeling of drowning is to start over.

Then someone new comes into your life, someone who changes your world. Your vision is fixed on making them happy, yet you realize you need to be okay with yourself. Can that happen? Learning to be less selfish is the special ingredient. You can't see anything if your eyes are turned inward, scrolling to fix the impossible.  

Questions

What is life? Is there a certain path that we are all supposed to find? Why do some people seem to be more successful than others? But really, what is the definition to success? Is it truly what society paints and pushes down everyone's throat? Why is everything a race that no one can ever finish? No one knows what others are experiencing, yet why must we compare? Is this some evolutionary factor at play? Are we defending ourselves by try to guess what others are really thinking? Why do we know what we are doing is harmful, yet we continue to do it anyways? I know that others must think what I am thinking, because of the prevalence of Self-help books, but do most people want to fight against this nonsense? And if they do, why is more difficult than it should be? 

The horror story inside my head

I had a very interesting dream last night . I was with a group of people in a old house. The house turned out to be haunted and we were trying to undo our ultimate deaths. Basically, we were trying to communicate with the killers. When that was not working the plan was to out smart them.

Like any horror film, there were many that bailed out and I am not sure if they made it out alive, but I was proud that I was not one of them. The dream seemed very real and there was fear and anticipation. But I would not call it a nightmare. This may mean that I am a bit off, but I think I liked the mystery aspect of the dream, as well as the solving of a problem. I woke up before the end of the "movie" and I do not recall if the undoing was successful. The optimist in me likes to think so, though. 

Good and Evil vs Biology

Lately, I have been thinking about the different struggles that people deal with. I know that my view is controversial but to me it makes the most sense. For a quite a while I have been interested in criminals, the supposed "scum of our society". To me, no matter the crime, these people are just sick. We all suffer from some sort of sickness; whether it is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.

I have been watching different documentaries on mental health and the individuals that suffer from these illnesses. They are classified as psychopaths, ADHD, Addicts, etc. But as technology continues to advance, and brain images are clearer, we can see that each problem is reflected as different from the norm in the images. These problems are biological and genetic- it is NOT a moral issue (at least not in the beginning).

Maybe I am holding onto this idea because I want to believe that everyone is inherently good. To me, it makes no sense that two people, who have grown up in the same environments, can have two completely different life outcomes and one is considered good, while the other is considered bad. However, it makes more sense if their brains are completely different and they experience life differently. 

Quirks

I have not done the best job keeping up with my blog, and I must admit that I am a bit ashamed of that. I usually am one to stay organized and get most of my assignments done on time, unless there is a family emergency or something. But, going off my previous post, life has been pretty stressful lately, not just with school, but with EVERYTHING! I guess when it rains, it pours right?!

I have been doing this completely useless action of picturing how my life "should" be and then condemning myself for not being "there". Honestly, I know better but feelings can be powerful, even if they are not always valid. In the past, when anything different was happening in my life, whether it is good or bad, I would unconsciously, or sometime consciously, go down a path of self-destruction. As much as I like to say that I have come a long way, I still struggle with fighting off this tick.

The mind really is a powerful thing. Years of doing one behavior can take just as much time, if not more, to undo that behavior. Annoying right? If only we could just make the decision to be different, and BAM we start living a new way. I guess life would not be worth living then. What would be the point? Just when you think you can not take it anymore, think- there's a reason. I mean there has to be a reason.   

Life= Excitingly Stressful

First off, I can NOT believe that this semester is almost over! I will finally have my degree, which is something that I have been waiting for over 10 years. I feel extremely blessed, but I am also soaked in fear. This chapter in my life is coming to a close and I do have further goals that I would like to achieve, but I am not sure if they are reasonable for my current situation.

Most humans respond to fear in fight or flight. Well in my case, I do neither. I avoid! Sometimes, I will just shut down. Not completely though, in that I am able to get normal day-to-day things accomplished, but the thing(s) that are scaring the crap out of me- I shut it out. I know that this is not the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it is a habit that I am finding hard to reverse.